Oh, how easy it is to fall into a stupor. Routine and duty can force you into autopilot. Life seems to drift from day to night, and compromises have allowed you to let your dreams slip away. You avoid conflict but you also lost the essence of who you are, of what makes you, you, and of what makes you feel alive. Your energy is low, and you feel less motivated. You must push yourself to get through your days. Something is wrong but you’re apathetic towards it. You have already given up and accepted that this is what life is. Your reality has been determined for you. This is your fate, whether you like it or not.
So, what do we do with our free time when we have relegated ourselves to this mental state, where we do not feel like we are active participants in our own lives. Simple. Our fixations occupy our “free” time. Social media is equipped with algorithms to take advantage of the masses population that are overwhelmed by the matrix and are looking for a cost-free escape. We open up an app and fall into the rabbit hole of the metaverse. We could have been productive with that time, but instead we focus our attention on being unfocused. It is a sad state. We are like the sleeping docile energy cells fueling the matrix.
I used to care so much about equality, my health, wealth, friends, and goals. Now, I don’t even care about myself. I just do enough to keep the ship running. I make 6 figures but that doesn’t matter when you factor in bills and child support. My net worth is still in the red. I drive around a busted-up SUV that I don’t even have enough money to get repaired. I have so many tickets that I have not paid for, that I may get my license suspended.
I have given up on certain goals and fixed my attention on the next generation. I honestly feel obsolete, like a failed project. People look at me and think that I am laid back and cool under pressure, when, in reality, I compartmentalize things that I can’t or won’t deal with, and I typically don’t open up those compartments again until I absolutely have to.
There is no real happy ending to this story. I’m still in the thick of it, trying to figure it all out. I go through phases where I’m on top of things, and other times when I am at low points, like a damn yo-yo. It is very difficult to maintain consistency when certain things you are trying to control are outside of your control.
Let’s take my body for instance. I stretch every day. I workout every day. I eat relatively healthily. I lost 25 lbs. in the last year. I want to compete this summer in Masters track and field. However, I have a hamstring that I tore off the bone 6 years ago and I never got surgery. I have okay days and bad days. Every once in a while, I have a good day, but I don’t know when that’s going to show up. Not to mention, I also have a partially torn rotator cuff, a
weak knee, and Achilles tendonitis. As much as I try to control the outcome, I don’t know which body is going to show up on any day. It’s frustrating.
Or let’s take my finances. Inflation and interest rates are a bitch. Housing costs have increased by 70-100% in the last 4 years. I pay extra child support to keep peace, but not because I should have to. I pay for all my son’s aftercare, insurance, and sports, but here I am. I am middle class, but in debt, and with continued “enhancements” to my property, I don’t see an end in sight.
Or my time. I am an introvert. I like to read and write. When writing, I like to have a clear mind. I have a wife who is an extrovert, who looks at my needing personal time as offensive to her. I love her and don’t want to upset her. So, to avoid confrontation, a lot of times I end up sacrificing my personal time to keep peace, but in doing so, I am not putting myself in the position to reach my personal goals. It really is a catch 22, because if I did push back and take the time for myself, it would cause an argument which would then put me in a negative clouded frame of mind from which I would not be able to concentrate on my writing goals.
So, with all these catch-22’s, what do I do? Well, I end up fixating my attention on mindlessness instead of persevering through it all and going after my dreams anyway. I know that’s weak. But I’m tired of fighting all the time. Life should not have to be this hard.
However, fixations are a cop-out and I know this. I must be better. I know there are others just like me who are in the same boat, trying to find the motivation to be better. It’s hard. But if we don’t persevere and focus more intently on what we want, is that really a life worth living? Are we just committing slow suicide? I’m 40. I’m older than I used to be. But my life is not over, and neither is yours. There’s still time to make things happen. I know what I need to do. I just have to employ discipline to do it. The time is available to still go after what I want. I just need to eliminate the distractions and fixations. I must start believing in myself again. I can do it. I know I can. You can do it too.
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